Captivating. Devoted.

...Leila                                    11/3/11
This past year has been one that I am already looking back upon and seeing God leading and guiding and loving me when I couldn't presently feel or see it.

It's been like a walk in the darkness. And I don't say that because God wasn't there. He most definitely was there - even in the darkest hours. But it didn't feel like a bright, happy time. The weather in Austin has just dropped from being in the 80s to a chilly 50-60*. Picture snuggling up with a warm sherpa blanket with a cup of hot cocoa listening to Bing Crosby and watching snow softly fall outside a window whilst feeling the warmth of an indoor fire. All is calm. All is bright. Now picture being in a deep cave filled with who-knows-what... maybe nothing or maybe maniac bats who want to suck blood from your cold body while you die alone and afraid. My inner emotions have been more akin to that second picture this year.

Maybe it seems ridiculous to some... but that's how it's been.  Losing a child is not easy - even if she was only 5 months along in your womb when you lost her.

Anyway, all through this season God has been at work in the deepest, darkest places of my heart... assuring me over and over that He.Is.God. He is in control of the good and the bad even when I don't understand. And believe it or not, because sometimes I just can't believe it, He really does care very deeply for me. His care is so deep sometimes that I really can't feel it.

Very few people see the seed that's planted in the black soil and grows slowly until a beautiful flower emerges one bright morning. I figuratively planted a seed of faith months and months ago when I said, "Okay, God. My health is a wreck. My mind is a wreck. I don't know what else to do. I think you have a life for us and I'm willing to get pregnant again. I know it could hurt me again. I know it might not come to fruition and I could end up being worse off than I am now. But I'm willing to try. Do You really love me? Do You really plan good things for your children?"

Now, I realize no good Christian girl would say something like that. But I wasn't feeling like a good Christian girl. I was a desperate, freaking out child who needed to plant a seed and see what God was up to.

And so He blessed and gave us a baby. And pretty much from day 1 I was freaking out!! This pregnancy has been sort of like a roller coaster ride... but as I think of it today it's been more like trying to survive in a gigantic blender.

Ironically, today (as I'm typing this) I had a 39 week appointment with Samantha - one of our fabulous CNMs. She was the one who I went to for "counseling" on March 1st when I found out I was pregnant. Picture this frazzled, completely scatter-brained girl with a disheveled 17 month old going into a birthing center and demanding to speak to someone because she's pregnant and freaking out. That was me. Samantha hadn't seen me during my pregnancy with Margaret so she didn't know the circumstances. But she understood (or pretended to) my fears and set me up for an ultrasound.

Panic and anguish filled my thoughts constantly during that two week wait. I wanted to walk in for the ultrasound and be relieved to see a kicking, squirming baby. But guess what? Apparently there was no life. You've got to be kidding me?!? But no, they gave me pretty much no chance of carrying this baby much further. I was scheduled for another ultrasound in a week but told to expect cramping and bleeding anytime. That was not a fun week. But guess what? No cramping. No bleeding. And the day before I went in for the second ultrasound I actually felt super nauseous walking through the grocery store. Mind games much? :)

The second ultrasound started off pretty bleak. There appeared to be a fetal pole in my womb but no heartbeat... after 10 minutes we saw a flutter and the technician confirmed that there was life. Good grief!! And if that was only the end of our worries...

When you go through that, I think they should schedule daily ultrasounds afterward for peace of mind... but neither our health care providers nor our insurance company agreed. I tried to be brave. But I seriously was a walking basket case.

Every single day I thought I could lose this baby. I prayed, I read my Bible, I did deep breathing, I exercised, I ate super healthy.... but I worried. Around 16 or 17 weeks I had another scare. I went in to make sure everything was okay because I wasn't feeling the baby at all (which was one of the signs I missed with our Margaret baby). Thinking it would be a quick check-up and that I would walk out 10 minutes later with relief, I didn't even bother to tell Nick I was going. Thirty minutes later, I called him to tell him that they found a heart beat but something might be wrong. My heart rate was super high.

Walking away from that appointment we scheduled an ultrasound with the perinatal doctor who works with our birthing center. Our fears were finally relieved. I had an anterior placenta which was blocking a good heart reading on the baby. It was also what was causing me to feel little movement. At least we had an answer... but the weeks following when I couldn't feel movement sometimes still scared me.

Week in and week out I fought fears that were mostly irrational. I took Ellie to the cemetery one day somewhere during all this inner chaos. Ellie of course is completely clueless about her baby sister who is in Heaven. She's just as clueless as to why we go to the cemetery. I remember that early summer day when she was just learning how to talk and she looked around the unfamiliar cemetery and pointed everywhere saying, "Flowers!" There were flowers everywhere, obviously, and it made me smile to think of her innocence and that she saw the good in an otherwise sad place.

During my pregnancy we had a boy's name picked out but we were struggling to come up with a girl's name. We knew if we had a girl that she needed a unique name because she was already a unique child :) I picked out our first two girls' names - Cathern Eleen after my maternal grandmother, and Margaret Jacquelyn after my paternal great-grandmother and grandmother. My maternal grandma died shortly before we were married. Right after Maggie died I found out that my paternal grandmother had cancer and was probably not going to live long (she died the summer of 2011). I really didn't want to use a family name again although we'd sort of set a trend... I threw out a few names here and there for Nick but he wasn't really gung-ho on any of them.

One day I picked up a baby name book and just started reading names out loud to him. He was uninterested and I think ready to be done. I figured we'd have a boy because we just couldn't settle on a name. When I got to the "L"s I read "Leila" aloud. "That's it!" he said. Seriously? He was serious! That was it and that was all there was to it. I told him it meant "dark beauty" and if Ellie was any indication, we would not be having a dark beauty. Maybe she'll have dark hair but I make fair-skinned children. I told him that the name is often pronounced "LAY-lah" but he insisted on the less familiar pronunciation of "LEE-lah."

He thought it was very unique for her to have an Arabic name and we figured we'd follow her first name with a foreign middle name. Since we met in Mongolia and I'd worked with girls there we settled on a Mongolian middle name... "Tsetseg" which means flower.

Over the months of carrying this baby girl I have often thought of her as a "flower" which has come from a dark time. A dark beauty which is full of life like a flower. Sitting here today I'm one week from her due date. Daddy says she is coming on 11-11-11 (which is her actual due date). I can't imagine that she will but someone in our family has a lot of faith. I have no idea what will happen between now and then. Any number of things could happen. It's frightening going into labor when your last labor was the result of a still born child. I don't have a word from God that everything will turn out beautiful and perfect. But I know that He knows. I know He's brought me out of darkness and that He has shown me good things.

If this baby girl makes it, she might suffer from over-stimulation and become a mama's girl because I'm pretty sure I'm not letting her out of my arms for one second. Not because I am afraid of something happening to her, but because I want to remind myself continually of God's care over me. One of the greatest gifts God gives us is children and I'm so incredibly grateful for all three of my girls and unique lessons God has taught and continues to teach me because of them.

And as far as any more pregnancies go... well, I think I've had enough of pregnancy to last me another five years. So if you ask me in six months when the next one is coming, don't be surprised if I laugh in your face... that would be the kinder thing to do since I'll probably want to slap anyone who brings up the idea of me being pregnant again for quite some time! =) 23 months of pregnancy in 36 months is enough for this woman to nearly lose her mind. I'm thoroughly looking forward to enjoying my girls during their "little" years with health and vivacity! 

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?  Gave birth to a big baby girl! 2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't think I made any last year... I plan to make goals for 2010. 3. Did anyone close to you give birth? lots of friends got pg in 2009. My sister in law had a baby boy, River, 10 weeks after Elle was born. 4. Did anyone close to you die? No. But my grandmother, who died in 2008, was sorely missed. 5. What countries did you visit? sadly, none. 6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? Organizational skills for my home, Discipline in my personal walk with the Lord, and more Love and Concern for those close to me 7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Easy - 09/09/09, the day we met the babe who made me sick all the year long :) (SO worth it!) 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Having an all-natural 8 hour labor! (Well... even bigger than that, making it through the nine months prior to birth!) 9. What was your biggest failure?  not living up to my full potential as wife and child of God 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? yes :) I had a $7500 ER visit 5 weeks before Ellie was born. After an explosion in our kitchen I had glass embedded in my arm and some shattered glass in my leg. It was a pretty traumatic experience. :) 11. What was the best thing you bought? our baby :) haha... that's where most of our money went anyway 12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Nick's :) He stayed with me through sickness and grouchiness and not very nice days... Hopefully I can give him a better year. Our parents, also! My mom for being here and helping me SO much in the first hours and days after E's birth. Nick's parents for just being there for us this year - allowing us to have a great relationship with them! 13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Certain authoritative figures in Washington 14. Where did most of your money go? rent, baby, maternity needs... 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? My pearls, Ellie's birth, Ellie learning to laugh :) 16. What song will always remind you of 2009? "Banana Pancakes" by Jack Johnson - it was playing on the iPod moments before Ellie's arrival 17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder? DEFINITELY happier! On a scale of 1-10 (10 being happiest) I feel like I'm at a 9.7. Last year I would have said I was about at a 3. 18. What do you wish you'd done more of? personal Bible study, saving more money 19. What do you wish you'd done less of? "waiting" with nothing to show for my time 20. How will you spend Christmas? We plan on spending Christmas traveling to IN to see my family for Christmas 21. How will you spend New Years? Probably traveling back to TX. (We should have kept track of all the miles we've traveled this year; it's been crazy!) 22. What was your favorite TV program? Monk! Glee is okay too... 23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? no 24. What was the best book you read? I read several books during pregnancy. Sadly, I don't recall the titles of any. But I really enjoyed going through "It's Tough Being a Woman" by Beth Moore 25. What was your greatest musical discovery? I don't think I had any GREAT musical discoveries in '09 26. What did you want and got? a natural birth! (I wouldn't trade any of the yuck from '09 if I had to give that up! It was so worth everything) 27. What was your favorite film of this year? Julie & Julia, I guess. It's inspired me to get back on the saddle and start cooking real meals again! 28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Nick bought me pearls for my birthday. I honestly don't remember what else we did. I'm pretty sure I was feeling pretty ill. I do remember his parents and grandparents taking us out to eat sometime around my birthday. :) This year we'll try for epic birthday celebrations - (I'll be TWENTY-FIVE in 2010!!!) 29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If we had been able to experience life more as a couple.... heh, I think what we did experience this year actually was life. So I'm not really sure how to answer that question. 30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? heh. Covering up da belly. :) 31. What kept you sane? hands down, my husband. He held my hand through thick and thin! 32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? none that I recall 33. What political issue stirred you the most? the health care issue 34. Who did you miss? Grandma Cathern Mosley... I really wish she could have been here to see her namesake and first great-grandchild! 35. Who was the best new person you met? Cathern Eleen! Words could never express how weird it was to give birth and then actually name and bring home our own child. It still amazes me that we're parents of the funnest baby on earth! 36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: God doesn't promise the road will be easy! But He also promises that He'll never leave you to fend for yourself. Life is maneagable on your own, but it's not worth trying. God's way is far better than selfish living.

The World of Cloth Diapering...

I am so excited about all the friends and family I have who are expecting soon!!! Two sisters-in-law in particular... one due ANY day now!! (YAY for more Ellie cousins!!) Anyway, I thought I would write up a summary of our experience with cloth diapers so that I can just reference y'all to one place. ;-) (Maybe this will be more informative than my random emails that I've sent some of you! haha)

PS - Ellie is down for a nap now and may give me 30 more minutes of uninterrupted thinking. Ha! Wouldn't that be amazing??!

So we started cloth diapering roughly 10 days after Ellie was born. Next time around I think I will start on day one with cloth diapers because they're actually a lot easier than I thought. Also, I didn't really have any postpartum blues so I think I could have handled it :) But I already had newborn disposables and we used them up pretty fast!

Knowing what I do now (that I make a pretty HEFTY baby), I would not have bought any XS sized diapers. But hind sight is always 20/20. We barely used those diapers before she grew out of them because I was dumb and didn't realize that ALL of my diapers needed covers. HA!

So lesson #1 for me was: Fitted diapers need covers just like prefolds. Who knew?! *sheepish grin*

Lesson #2: Prefolds are NOT of the devil. I had a nice stack of newborn and infant prefolds and didn't use them until Ellie was probably 6 weeks old because I thought they would be difficult and too time-consuming. One day I just decided to go for it and behold! - I love them! :)

We (or I should say "I" since I am the one who changes the bum covers in this house) put prefolds on in the bikini style. Here's a video example. Actually, I use Snappis so it looks more like this. I have found this to be the fastest/easiest way to put prefolds on Ellie. They seem to fit better, too.

Lesson #3: There's these awesome things called FUZZI BUNZ! After reading this post I was convinced to give these babies a try! By "trying them out" I actually mean that I bought 9 of these things! ;o Good thing I like them, huh? :) Well, you see, they were having a promotion: If you bought 9 one size diapers, you could get $40 of Fuzzi Bunz products for FREE... And I likes me some free things! ;)

I love FB One Size diapers. They're like your favorite jeans that always fit. Er... no, that's not right. Well, they're like the navy blue t-shirts that my husband has that always fit him and just get better with age - or so he tells me. Anyway, FB aren't like my favorite diaper in the whole wide world, but they're super nice. They're my go-to diaper when we're going to be out of the house. The only thing I don't really like about them is that they are bulkier than my other diapers AND they're a pocket diaper, meaning you have to stuff and unstuff them before and after you wash. It's not that big of a deal, but for a lazy person like myself, I kind of prefer the prefolds - which I just have to fold and stack :)

With my FREE FB$ I was able to get a medium FB just to try out - which has fit Ellie since she hit the 10lb mark. It's really cute and not as bulky as the One Size diapers. I also picked up one of these nifty diaper bags. AWESOME! I love it because it's PINK, of course, but mostly because it is handy to just have a bag that hangs off her changing table. And when diaper washing day comes (which for us is about every other day), I just throw the whole thing into the wash! Handy dandy!

I just started using cloth wipes. Why I didn't start doing this before is beyond me... I guess I thought, like the prefolds, that it would be too hectic. How wrong I was! It's simple. I fold about 10 baby washcloths, put them in a square container, and squirt about 8 oz of water mixed with about a tablespoon of Johnson baby wash on the washclothes. Finished. After use I just toss them into the big pink Fuzzi Bunz diaper bag. How hard is that?!

I am still very new at this cloth diapering addiction. Tomorrow, hopefully(!!), we will be getting our new booroi diaper covers and bummis prefolds  so I'll definitely have to add an update to this later.

As far as costs are concerned I think we've spent about $400-$450 on diapers so far. I have enough for 3 days but I wash more often than that - yes, they do get a little stinky if left for very long. But, duh!, they're dirty diapers! 

I just recently started noticing my diapers getting a very icky smell after being washed. I found an easy remedy for this that is not really recommended. My husband and I have a fetish with Bath & Body Home Fragrance Oils which means we have them all over the house! One day a thought occurred to me: This is not recommended by anyone so if someone reads this, tries it, and it ruins their diapers or gives their kid a rash, you didn't hear it from me :) BUT... about once a week I sneak a few drops of clean cotton or fresh linen into our wash load and voila, the stinkies stay away. Wonderful! So far it hasn't seemed to damage the diapers or baby's bum.

Well... baby girl is taking an especially long nap this afternoon so I am finished and might even get a load of dishes washed before she awakens.

I will continue to update on what new products we've tried and loved (or hated). Happy pregnancies to my sisters-in-law and friends! I'm pretty convinced that no one could love cloth diapering as much as I but if you try it out you just might learn to fall in love too. Cheers

(Of course no post on cloth diapers would be complete without a picture of Ellie wearing one!)

It's 7:00AM. I'm really tired... If memory serves me correctly, I think there was a different version of myself who, only a year ago, used to get up around 5 AM every morning to make a big breakfast for her new husband/lover. That Rebecca has been replaced by a much tired"er" woman who can barely roll herself out of bed at 6:00 in order to drink coffee with the boy before he heads out for his job...

My "job" will begin in approximately 30-45 minutes when The Baby Girl awakes from her slumbers. Meanwhile... I take these precious quiet moments to reflect on life as I now know it.

For some reason lately I have been thinking back to when this "blog" first began. Nick Harris is the one who introduced me to multiply. That was back in the day when I was living life to the hilt in Mongolia. Although my former self would probably beg to differ, that was a very carefree time in my life. I had one person to take care of: myself. And although that posed challenges in itself, I had no idea how quickly life would change over the course of the next couple of years.

As soon as I came home from Mongolia I had to suffer the first REAL heartbreak - leaving the boy I had fallen in love with and not knowing if I would ever hear or see from him again. All I could think about was the potential we had for a deeper relationship. Life would be bliss if I could just know that he shared the same feelings I had. Fast forward a few months: Yes, we did share the same feelings. And now we were officially "together" - only 400 or so miles separated. At that point I could hardly stand life as I knew it - just waiting longingly for the day when we were married. I soon found out that marriage wasn't all sunshine and roses. We were as happy as any new married couple could be... but there's a lot of responsibility that comes with marriage. Responsibilities I had not yet experienced. And then there was the anticipation for our own child vs. going to my daily job of watching someone else's children. And then the day came.... when I found out that we were going to have our own child. Fast forward 9 months and here we are with a precious baby girl...

And now I find myself longing for the next phase of life, when she is old enough to comfort herself instead of wanting to be held for 90% of the day... when I can sleep through the night (and, no, 4-5 hrs doesn't count as "through the night")... when she can give us a facial expression other than her constant "glare"... when I have this "mothering" thing figured out.

Is this really what life is all about? Just stewing in today's challenges while impatiently waiting on the next phase... only to get to it just to realize it's even more challenging than yesterday's trials? I can hardly believe that God really has nothing better planned for the present. Actually, I know that He does have better things planned. But if I continue in this pattern of looking so far ahead of time in hopes that things will "get better" I will never really experience the joy in today.

Shortly before our wedding day, someone advised me to not let the day of my wedding go by so quickly that I soon forget the little details of one of the biggest details of my life. I took that advise seriously and because I followed it, I can to this day recall how I felt at almost every hour of that wonderful day. I'm afraid I haven't taken the same spirit into my first days of motherhood. I know, although it seems strange now, that I will look back on these days with a warmth in my heart. I will consider them to be precious days... as Kevin Leman states in his book "First Time Moms", I will only be a new parent ONCE. (THANK GOODNESS for that!!!) :)

Well... It's now 7:45 and my baby girl is in my arms, staring at me with wide eyes as I finish this.

So here's to a new day... of relishing the opportunities God has given me for the present. Accepting the joy that comes in being her mother :)

Nick and I have been parents for 11 days now. My mom left Friday morning after being with us since Ellie was born... after she left and I'd had a good cry Ellie and I just looked at each other as if to ask "What do we do now??!" :) Actually, we have done okay on our own. Thankfully, little chubs is sleeping MUCH better through the night - waking up exactly every three hours to eat. And when she's done she's out like a light.

It is interesting having a first born baby girl... Nick and I are both second borns and pretty easy going. Ellie seems already to have a much more intense personality. Time will tell what she is really like... for now we can't stop laughing at her stern faces. We had to run some errands today at the mall and the whole time we had Ellie in her stroller she looked at us as if she was so upset that we didn't ask her permission to take her out of the comforts of her home. :) Who knows what she was really thinking?! We can only guess... but her facial expressions are just too much!! haha

We took baby girl to Sunday school with us today. It's going to be hard for me to give her over to the nursery workers :) I think I'll wait until she's 6 weeks. I'm just a little to clingy :) Girly decided to pick SS time for making a mess in her diaper... I was disappointed to find that the only bathroom on the floor I was on didn't have a changing station :( Poo!! So I found an empty classroom and changed her on the floor. The only problem with that is that my right knee still has no feeling in it so I had to change her in the most awkward position :) I guess that'll encourage me to let the nursery have her soon!

Life is intersting... I feel like I need to pinch myself to know that this is all really happening. I can hardly believe I'm not pregnant anymore. Now if I could just get my pre-pregnancy body back completely. Actually, the extra flubber is falling off fast since I'm breastfeeding. I've lost more than half of the weight I've gained without even being able to exercise yet. Hopefully the last half will fall off soon...

This week we take Ellie into the midwives for her 2 week check-up. I'm dying to know how much weight she's gained. She lost 7% of her birthweight by day 3. But she feels quite chunky now. We shall see... and in November we start taking her to her first pediatrician appointment. I'm excited to meet the pediatrician! We're going to use an alternative schedule for baby's vaccinations. I have about half a dozen books on the subject and I need to make some final decisions on which vaccines we choose to give her. Ugh... it's tough for me to make decisions like this :)

We are not doing cloth diapers full time yet... I still need to order some more. I probably should not have ordered any tiny size diapers because they didn't last very long :( Right now we only have enough dipes for about half a day. But I am excited to get some more one size diapers and start using them full time.

Well... that's enough randomness for today. I guess it's easier for me to "journal" about baby online because my brain is too tired to handwrite much these days. :)

I woke up at 6:45 on Wednesday morning somewhat excited about the day. My mom and little sister were going to be traveling to see us that day. I don't remember much from the day before but apparently my morning sickness had gotten so bad that day that I had called my mom and asked her to come early (she wasn't going to come until I was in labor). I knew there was a possibility of the baby coming this week because we were going to try natural induction. However, I was still skeptical that it would work because we had already tried stripping the membranes on the previous Friday. At that time I was still just 70% effaced and dilated to 1cm. I walked lots afterward and was taking evening primrose oil in hopes that I would progress before my Wednesday appointment.

But Wednesday morning felt like any other day. I did laundry and mopped the floors before getting ready for my appointment. Around 8:30 I started feeling some pretty strong braxton hicks. I put it out of mind though because I figured it was simply due to the cleaning activity. I sat down to eat breakfast and journal. For some reason the verse in my devotional that morning really stood out to me. It was from Genesis 28 when Jacob was going to find a wife. I wrote in my journal "God gave the promise ['Behold, I am with the,...for I will not leave thee, until I have done that which I have spoken to thee of.'] to Jacob as he set out for an adventure of which he could have never known how difficult it would be. I could so, so easily become discouraged as each day passes that I remain pregnant. It's tiring and frustrating! Yet, there is One who has promised to remain with me to the end. He can "bring me back" to the vibrant, healthy, happy Rebecca that I once was. What before then? A difficult adventure. I'm sure labor/delivery and even raising this child and losing the weight I've gained will be difficult. But I'm not alone!! He is with me!!!" Those thoughts stayed with me throughout the day.

About 15 minutes before we needed to leave I could tell that my braxton hicks were getting significantly stronger and closer together. When I started timing them they were exactly 3 minutes apart. Thankfully by then it was time to leave for the birthing center anyway. But I really didn't think this was "it" because I thought the contractions were too close together to be the real thing. I figured again that it was just due to all the physical activity and excitement of the day.

When we left the apartment we both commented on what a nice day it was. The weather had cooled down significantly and it was raining(!!) - after the hottest summer on record for Austin, TX we were thrilled to death and enjoying the rain! As we got on the road, my contractions were not easing up... if anything they were actually increasing. I was actually starting to not be able to talk through them. I think Nick was realizing that things were getting serious and I started worrying that he would drive too fast in the rain to try to get the the birthing center. But there wasn't opportunity to drive too fast because we got stuck in very slow moving traffic. By this time my contractions were less than 3 minutes apart. I really started thinking, "This must be it!"

We made it to the appointment right on time. As we walked in the office, I had tears in my eyes because of the pain. I breathed through a contraction in the entry way before getting to the desk to check in. I told the receptionist that I was there for my scheduled appointment but that I was having contractions about every 2 1/2 minutes. She immediately got Jean Stokes, the owner of the birthing center, and they got ready to hook me up to the monitors. At this point I was still able to talk between contractions and I think the staff wasn't taking me very seriously... Of course I'm a first time Mom and I think they thought it was just VERY early labor, if that.

Once on the monitors we discovered Baby was doing excellent. The heart rate was still about 130 - pretty much what it had been throughout my pregnancy. If the theory is correct that lower heart rates indicate that the baby is a boy, I was 99% sure it was a boy. ;) They went ahead and examined me right away and declared me to be about 2cm but still only 70% effaced. That was not very good news to me. They said *if* this was labor, it was very early. They asked if I had gotten a good night's sleep and were relieved to know that I had because I would "probably be up all day and night."

After being on the monitor for 15 minutes and them being able to see that I was indeed having regular contractions about every 2-3 minutes, they said they I was still not "progressing" and sent Nick and I out to "walk around, eat lunch, pamper yourself." We decided to stay close but walk around and outdoor shopping center. But it was a joke! I was having to stop every other minute to breathe through some pretty difficult contractions. We got a lot of looks from people, including one security guard who Nick thought looked like he was trying to figure out whether or not to call an ambulance. haha! We went into Borders so I could use the bathroom and while I was leaning against bookshelves to get through more contractions, Nick decided to buy a game. :) We walked about 15 more minutes - leaning against big flower pots or chairs or whatever was available for me to bear through more contractions.... and then I decided I'd had enough of this monkey business. Before heading back to the birthing center we decided to go to the grocery and buy some food - gatorade, salad, gum, sprite, etc... As soon as we got in the store Nick left to go to the bathroom and I stood in the grocery doing my heavy breathing and having more people look at me as if in wonder if they needed to call 911. Funny, no one actually asked me if I was OK; they just stared. haha!

Nick went to go get the car and I called my mom who was well on her way... while on the phone I was crying and not even able to talk... but mom helped me to calm down while breathing through more contractions. We walked into the birthing center and the midwives were still not totally convinced that it was going to be *that* soon. They really wanted me to go home and labor until things "got worse." I sort of laughed and asked how much worse. At that point one of the midwives, Roswitha, said that if I was still able to smile that there was a long way to go. She went out to consult with another midwife but by the time she got back in the exam room I was down on my knees, grabbing Nick's jean pockets while he was sitting in a chair, having a VERY difficult time breathing through the next several contractions. Roswitha watched for a few minutes and said, "I don't think you want to go home." YA THINK???!!!! ;-) She made sure that a birthing room was available and came back to tell me I could stay. HALLELUJAH!!!!!!! I was so relieved.

When we walked to the other part of the building where the delivering rooms are, Roswitha asked me which room I had wanted to birth in. I was like, "I DON'T care; just get me in one!!!" :) I think that she was starting to realize that I was definitely not exaggerating how I felt. ;p She left Nick and I in there for about 20-30 minutes and I just lay on the bed while Nick rubbed my back through contractions. They seemed to be about the same in intensity... but when Roswitha came back to check me around 1:30 PM I was dilated to 4cm and about 80% effaced. At that point they considered me to be in active labor and admitted me officially. :) I was so relieved emotionally but physically I was just starting to get worse!

Roswitha had to go back to the hospital to be with another birthing mother who had complications. Meanwhile, Joan came to assist me. Joan was not one of our favorite midwives through the pregnancy, but she was very helpful during the birth! She allowed me to labor in whatever position I wanted and kept suggesting more comfortable positions... but when she examined me, she found the baby to be in a "sunny-side up" position... No wonder I was having such bad back labor! She made me do what was insanely uncomfortable to get the baby to turn... I had to squat with my heels flat on the floor. I was so miserable, but it worked eventually. When that got to be so uncomfortable that I couldn't stand it any longer I labored in the whirlpool tub. It was miserable, but somewhat a relief at the same time. I remember very little from this part of the labor except that I was sweating like crazy!! Joan left us alone for a while but when she came back in I was so exhausted and remember telling her, "I just can't do this anymore! I'm SO exhausted!!!!" She responded, "Well, if you're exhausted then I'm a monkey's uncle." haha! I guess I didn't look as bad as I felt. I felt AWFUL! When Joan decided to check me again (which I THINK was around 4:30, maybe earlier) she was shocked to find that I was already in transition. ;o NO wonder I was so freaking tired!! And no wonder I was at the point where I would have taken any and all drugs available. haha! But I didn't have any available and really, I didn't need any... my body was doing just what it needed to do!

I remember asking Joan in desperation how much longer it would be. Of course she couldn't give me an exact time but she kept telling me that I was going so much faster than they expected so it wouldn't be too much longer. She "called in the troops" - Roswitha, Anabell, Jenny (all certified nurse midwives), Cat and someone else whose name I don't remember ;) - both doulas working on their nursing degrees at the University of Texas. I do remember the doulas arriving and introducing themselves and I so couldn't have cared less... also, it seemed like every time I opened my eyes from a contraction there was someone else in the room. I was so out of it at this point!

Anabelle was somewhat in charge of the delivery at this point - Joan had to leave for the day to pick up her husband at the airport... Anabelle was one of my favorite midwives during pregnancy but when it came to birth I almost hated her. lol! The only reason for this was that she got there at the most horrible time... I was not quite dilated to 10cm but I was feeling the urge to push so badly. She kept looking at me so firmly and commanding, "REBECCA, DO NOT PUSH!" I would give her the evil eye during those most horrible contractions and just wanted to rip her head off. At this point I was no longer breathing through contractions; I was yelling bloody murder through them. Anabelle had me leaning over a birthing ball on the bed... Nick was at my side and I have no clue what he was doing... One of the doulas got on the bed and dug her fists in my back during the contractions. That helped with the pain.

I hadn't mentioned before, but because my labor was so fast and intense, I hadn't been able to eat anything... early in the afternoon they had checked my urine and I was very dehydrated and they could tell I was burning tons of calories - great if you're trying to lose weight, not so great if you're trying to do the hardest physical activity ever! ;) Between the contractions the midwives were forcing me to drink gatorade to get some fluids down. I was so miserable....

My bag of waters was still intact so Anabelle broke them... OUCH!!!! After that I went back to 8cm and I was in the most horrible pain (or so I thought -lol!). I was yelling like crazy at this point. The urge to push kept getting stronger and stronger and eventually I started pushing even though I was under the command of the *evil* Anabelle not to do so. I could not keep from it... :(

FINALLY, Anabelle checked me again and I was fully dilated and allowed to push. HALLELUJAH!!! I was finally able to get on my back and start pushing. That started at 7 PM.... I had one midwife standing off to the side of the bed and when I pushed she wanted me to push my leg against her as hard as I could... I'm not gonna lie, I didn't feel bad for possibly hurting her as I pushed. haha. The doulas were on the bed with my other leg and I don't remember what I was doing with that leg, but it is still numb five days later from whatever position I was in. Another midwife was standing at the end of the bed with a birthing rope... every time I pushed I would play tug of war with her with both of my arms - which were SUPER sore for days afterward.

Roswitha kept telling me when to push and when to breathe. She told me numerous times that I just needed one more big push. She lied! lol! Actually, I think she meant one more push with each contraction... but I kept getting so discouraged when I would give one more big push and there was no baby. At some point the baby's head was partially out... and they made me feel the head. Sadly, I was in so much pain that I didn't care a whole lot. Nick did tell me as I was pushing that our baby definitely had hair! haha! FINALLY... after 50 minutes of pushing... my little baby's head came out and with another push or two the whole baby was OUT! I didn't see or know about any of this until a day or so later, but the cord was wrapped around her neck... they VERY quickly unwrapped it and were rubbing her down with warm, wet towels. They put a hat on her and wrapped a towel around her and put her on my chest. I was the only one at this point who didn't know if she was a boy or a girl. I KNEW it was a boy.... but I kept kissing her face and finally someone said to look. Nick was crying and I guess I was too (there's pictures to prove it... I just don't remember). [I have to stop here and say that I think not finding out what we were having was the best thing in the world!] When I unwrapped the blanket and saw that I had a little girl it was like a humongous happy hormonal rush went over my weary body.... I yelled "IT'S A GIRL!!!!" and was just crying and crying. I totally don't remember much else after that except that I was so exhausted that I didn't care much about holding my baby girl. I just wanted to collapse. Nick took her after they cut the cord and went out and showed the grandmas - my mom had arrived JUST before Ellie was born (not planned but so cool!)... Nick's mom had actually been in the waiting area for a while and had heard me yell out that it was a girl. :)

And that's the story... :) We stayed about 6 hrs post delivery. I finally got to eat a most amazingly satisfying salad and drink a chocolate frosty. My mom went back to our apartment to get everything ready for us... and we just rested at the birthing center. It was so peaceful. We were supposed to sleep but I couldn't. I nursed Ellie a little... Nick was totally collapsed on the freshly made bed. I just rested looking adoringly at my little girl and awesome hubby. I was ready to go home and sleep in my own bed though!

I was instructed to stop on the way home and get some loaded calories - that was a relief after having to watch what I ate so carefully for the past few months. Unfortunately, there is hardly anything open at 2:30 AM ;-) We finally went through the drive thru at What-A-Burger and I got a sausage egg biscuit and orange juice. It was SO GOOD!!! :)

We got home and I could hardly sleep that night. I was so excited and geared up and just overstimulated, I guess. :) I actually didn't sleep more than two hours at a time until Ellie was about 3 days old.

So... that's it in the long version. :) I am the happiest woman in the world to be done with pregnancy and thoroughly enjoying the little bundle of chunkiness!! I can't say that I'm ready to go through it all again anytime in the near future BUT little Ellie was TOTALLY worth every minute of pain!! All in all, God was so good to me! I had a much faster delivery, albeit intense, than most first time moms and He truly did stay with me.

Tuesday
Breakfast:

2 toaster whole-wheat waffles topped with 2 T jam and sprinkled waffles
8 oz fortified vanilla soy milk
1/2 cantaloupe

Snack #1:
12 oz nonfat decaf cafe latte with 1 almond biscotti
water

Lunch:
Pacific Northwest Salmon Sandwich
1 cup orange juice
Coleslaw
Water

Snack #2:
1 cup fresh fruit with 4 oz low-fat fruit yogurt
water

Dinner:
3 oz pork loin chop
Mashed green potatoes
2 carrots
1 serving Red Beet Salad with Vinaigrette Dressing
Water

Snack #3:
1 serving Naughty Nachos
Water


Wednesday

Breakfast:
Veggie Omelet
1 piece seven-grain toast
1/2 boiled grapefruit
decaf tea

Snack #1:
5 pitted dried plums with 1 almond
1 cup warmed nonfat milk
Water

Lunch:
Crunchy Tuna Sandwich
Cucumber Toss
Water

Snack #2:
1 T chutney with 2 T fat free cream cheese
5 fat-free whole wheat crackers
1 pear
Water

Dinner:
Spaghetti
1 cup Italian veggies
Tossed Salad

Snack #3:
1 slice toast
1 cup nonfat milk

Thursday

Breakfast:
3/4 c shredded wheat cereal
2/3 c low-fat fortified soy milk
1 banana
1 c orange juic

Snack #1:
4 cups air-popped popcorn
Water

Lunch:
Spinach-Chicken Wrap
1 c mandarin oranges
1 cup low-fat milk

Snack #2 -
hot cocoa
4 graham crackers

Dinner:
Salmon
1/2 c brown rice
2 c steamed broccoli
Tomato-Corn Salad
Water

Snack #3 -
Berry Banana Salad
1 Currant-Date Muffin
Water


Here is more info on the diet http://books.google.com/books?id=EkZpgC4OTaMC&pg=PA32&lpg=PA32&dq=Baby-Wise+Diet&source=bl&ots=SWZTdrXKc1&sig=BISSOiUA3kXktQcIDXCDYYYw-Vs&hl=en&ei=_pdbSu3RDoio8gSIw5jVBQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=2

And the book can be found online for pretty cheap!!

As sick as I was at the beginning of this pregnancy I couldn't possibly imagine that I'd gain very much weight. Yeah. Whatever. Somehow I've managed to gain more than I have been "allowed" by my midwives.

I've gone through so many health binges that it's a miracle Nick is still living with me ;) He's a gem! He deserves a massive vacation after this baby is born!!! (only if I get to go, of course!)

So I've determined that for the next 28 days I'm going to be fairly strict with myself and follow my Baby-wise Diet as lined out in the "Nutrition for a Healthy Pregnancy" book by Elizabeth Somer. I like her Baby-wise Diet because I can still eat yummy things but she has outlined how many calories are in each day's meals/snacks.

Here's what's cookin today:

Breakfast:
Whole-wheat raisin bran (I sort of cheated because we already had Raisin Bran Crunch and I didn't feel like buying more of the almost-same)
Nonfat Milk
Banana

Snack #1:
Open-Face Kiwi Sandwich: Spread fat-free cream cheese and a drizzle of honey on toasted oatmeal bread. Top with slices of Kiwi and a few chopped walnuts. 16 oz water.

Lunch:
Spinach and Red Pepper Quiche
Confetti Salad: Mix 2 T thinly sliced red onion, 2 T tablespoons corn kernels, 1 diced tomato, and 2 T low-cal ranch dressing. Place on top of 2 cups lettuce greens.
1 slice bread.
8 oz water.

Snack #2:
1 cup chocolate low-fat soy milk and 1/2 whole-wheat bagel with 1 T organic PB. 16 oz water.

Dinner:
Herb-Roasted chicken: Combine 1 minced clove garlic, various herbs, and salt. Skin and rinse chicken thighs, pat dry, and rub with herb mixture. Spray baking pan and place chicken in pan. Bake at 400* for 15 minutes. Turn and bake another 15 minutes, or until no longer pink in the center. Drizzle with 1 teaspoon balsamic vinegar while still in hot pan.
1 cup asparagus, sauteed in 3 T chicken broth over high heat until heated through (about 7 minutes). Salt to taste.
Baked sweet potato
1/2 cup cooked instant brown rice mixed with 2 T caramelized onion (cook onions over medium-low heat with a pinch of brown sugar until golden brown).
Tomato Salad with Mozzarella: Slice a medium tomato, top with grated mozzarella cheese, fresh basil leaves, and 1 teaspoon non-fat vinaigrette dressing.

Snack #3:
Hummus on 1/2 whole wheat bagel.
Pregnancy Tea

The Spinach and Red Pepper Quiche is Scrumdiliumptious! (but next time I think I'll add either bacon or sausage for hubby who requires a little more meat.. ;p)